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03 settembre 梦昨晚梦到朋友安的离开。没有告别，没有留下任何言语，我知道他去了墨脱。
现实中是多年好友，梦里我却不断亲吻他，央求他不要离开。
清晨短短两个小时里，梦里不断出现过往的人和事。对所有我都依依不舍，不愿离开。
Je pense a tout vous. 29 marzo 旅行的意义“去到哪里或许并不是旅行的意义。路上的状态，才最引人。”
看到雪的日志不禁让我想起自己的旅途。
每次旅行时间不长也不短。3，5个月，时而半年。
渐渐地发现出行和回家的界限变得模糊。
很多时候在回家的路上也是一路感叹和筹划。
很多时候不知道自己在那边才完整地感觉到回家。
庆幸的是自己慢慢开始享受这种生活轨迹。
坐在飞机场里，无论下一站在哪里。
总是会与某种事物，某个人邂逅。 HiThe letter for you always requires some time for me to think about it. In this one, I chose to send you two of the photo's from freshman year. It was a very speacial time through out my life. I was confused, lost and feeling abandoned. Searching through the dictionary, no words nor phrases could descibe how it was and how it passed away from my life. On the back of this piece of paper, you will see my journals from that unforgetible year. I wrote about my trip to NYC, expereice of the first drawing class, the relationship which already faded into memory and home as always. I believe that a foreign language is a painting for meditation. To read it by heart is far more different and significant by knowledge.
The question of where I really belong and where the inspirition of my art is has been around my mind recently. During the last few months staying in switzerland, to move to another country was a hope for me to change my life. As the physical location changed, time passed and experiences gained, I figured out that what matters is not the location but how you see your environment. B is not the best city here, but once I started my life here, I have to make it home.
As always, memories come back time by time. Specially, in these days I am doing some Yoga drawing. It is said that in the exercise of relaxing hip bone, people expereince recalling a lot of their memories. During my time in Yoga, the memory of Geneva festival beside the Geneva lake came back to me. I was surrounded by strangers. They were happy, excited. They were talking, laughing, screaming, singing, drinking, hugging, kissing... I was observing and absorbing all this. The joyness in that night was absorbed through my eyes, ears, nose into the deepest part of my mind. The fire works were bright like sun light at once and turned into meteors and fell into darkness quickly. All the sound of people, fire works and the lake joined together became a stream. It was life. It was delightful. It was one of the most beautiful time in my life.
Chen
March. 29th.1:06 am. 25 marzo UntitledI have been writing more recently. I have been thinking more recently. I have been reading recently. I read the play called "Waiting for Godot". It tells a story about how two men spend their time while they are waitng for Godot. They are with each other most of the time, but they always think it would be better if they are apart. I couldn’t address a name for the two men's relationship. Brothers? Friends? Lovers? Strangers or enemies? My teacher drew me an answer with a question, " haven’t you be involved in such a relationship?" I suddenly realized, isnt just like fall in love with someone? Once when you fall in love with someone, you spend a decent amount time with him (her). You live with her, eat with her, sleep with her, talk with her, qurral with her, fight with her. At a point you might start wonder,would it be better if we are apart? "I fell in love three times in my life." he said. I looked into myself, have I ever be in love? All that so called, "relationship", "boyfriend", "lover", I wonder if they were true. I experienced all that which I think it is too much for a girl at my age to handle. In another way all that experiences perfectly fit an ignorant girl at my age to go through in order to become a woman. To look back in the time, was I really there? Being involved into any sort of relationship made me separated from the person. Because I become too close to the person that I can’t see this person by normal vision any more. The only time that I understand what is going on actually is after the relationship ended. When a heart is full of excitement, wonder, sweetness, hope, the owner of this heart count never look down at the road that he (she) is walking on. If a person knows that she will lose her mind in love, will she still fall in love? Or will she be able to keep a clear mind in love? I don’t know. She doesn’t know. In the play “Silence”, all the actors and actress are speaking with their own consciousness. Elle, who is a girl in her 20s, recalled her sexual experiences. When she speaks about it, she is almost like reading poetries. She talks about the clouds in the sky, the landlady who talks with her and drinks with her. I was wondering why Ellen could never tell a complete story about herself. The teacher in class pointed out that people who had bad sexual experiences couldn’t remember it completely or clearly. The memories are broken in pieces. They couldn’t narrate what happened, but they tell stories to themselves. In any male-dominated society, I think that a woman’s sexual experience or sexual opinion is more complicated than a man could imagine. When a young girl starts to open her eyes to the world, it is lucky that the adults or the teens around her don’t perject any sexual behavior on her. As soon as she turns into a teenage, she would starts to wonder about the secret of a person's sexual desire. It will be good if she could get a good direction. Other wise she might experience something, which harms others or herself. As she turns into a woman, she gains knowledge, goes though experiences, listens to stories and reads words. If there is any bad experience during her childhood, teenage years, she needs to cover up the wounds by a lot of work from herself and also her partner. During the time that she is involved in a relationship, she might be forced to have sexual activities by her partner or even something worse. There is no way to change anybody in the world, but we could change ourselves. The only way out is to be careful, stronge, brave and take stratigies to help ourselves rather than waiting for someone for help. 22 marzo 谈论 它家
引用 它家 20 marzo 记忆突然很多记忆莫名其妙的跳到面前。
属于过去的东西和现在邂逅。
想起16那年在日内瓦湖旁的焰火。那么一群快乐的人，我站在他们中间，大脑一片空白。
他们快乐，好像我也很快乐。当时爸爸已经回国了。
剩下自己，就那么存在于一堆人中。
感觉很奇特，当时没有思念，没有伤感，没有特别的高兴，也许自己的脸上也没有什么样的表情。
看着陌生的笑脸，也许自己的心里也有了笑。
忘记刚刚想起的过去。肯定的是一件非常细小的事。
就那样的被调到面前，一遍一遍过滤，回忆，再次体会。
那是什么？什么时候？什么地方？和什么人？
就好像和梦一样，刚刚睡醒，所有细节还依然清晰，坐起身来就已全无。
几周前，好久不联系的几个朋友，在同一天晚上同我联系。
感觉很惊讶，难不成陌生人的人也会有灵犀？
“生活就这么继续。”
生活怎样才是“继续”？
也许一直都在原地，不断重复。或者一个梦接着一个梦。
小时候觉得自己应该是被莫名的规则关在这个躯体里。一个人形状的笼子，没有办法出去。
长大后慢慢接受了这个躯体，接受周围，接受看到的现象。
该睡了，好好对待这个容器。
14 marzo Fall in love.I fall in love with drawing again.
The simplycity in drawing makes it so attractive to me. It is a young and beautiful boy. It is a wordless and thoughful man.
It is a life long profitable meditation.
When my world is only filled with the sound of the pencil scraching the paper; when this clip light is the only light in the whole stage of night; when my sould started to be drawn into the paper and the relation between the paper and the pencil; there is nothing else exsit in the world except here, me, the pencil and the paper. 08 marzo SilenceI still want to say that it was better she said it out. We both needed to stop this turture between us. In this relation, we are locked by our doors. And we looked at each other through the peepholes on our doors. That was the only version we could reach. And that was the only language we could speak to each other. Under this circumstance, we broke our hearts by staking sticks into each other without knowing how painful it is. The great thinker said, to face another being with our whole vision. That is the I-You world. In my life, I finally realized that to face the one I love in the I-You relation is to leave her. And remain in my position with my silence. This space and time.I have this habit of calling people during the night.
In the nights when the people around resist me with their doors shutted. Or in the nights when I resist the people around with my door shutted. But no matter how many dearest families and closest friends I call, I feel lonely, still. When I am lying on my bed and looking into the darkness around me, I feel helpless, so much. When I heart that the person I love the most said that she felt tired to speak with me, I felt distanced from her ever never. In that afternoon, I rode my bicycle around and around, in a circle that I can never skip from. Under the bright sunshine, I saw my shadow following me without a millisecond delay.
I was happy to see her. That was the only emotion left in my memory for that afternoon. We can never approach another soul closely enough so that we wont feel lonely. There is time and space between us. This time and space streches out in an abstracted, untouchable demension. There is no rulers that could measure how far we are from the person. There is neither no way that we could approach the person by walking through the time. There is only one exit is to keep myself in silence in this space. I am resisted from her at this point forever. And I will remain on the track of loneliness forever. 20 febbraio 无雨：
想和你谈谈，关于爱情。
曾经看你的文章，最大的感触是，爱情在你生活里的独裁统治。
一直不知道是要为你高兴，还是为你因爱情伤心而难过。
相对于你，我算是一个没有经历过爱情的人。
每一个前任都是长距离，基本没有时间经历磨合。离开他们的时候，我也都不曾留恋后悔。
飘飘荡荡也好几个中国年没能回家过了。亲情变成了自己的呼吸。友情则是左右手。剩下的，爱情。奢侈品。
但不着急，奢侈品是需要积累资金才能得到的。爱情同样，需要时间，自身的修养和机遇。
即使一生都没有体验到爱情。我也会一直快乐。
因为一生的等待，我明白了她的珍贵。
更因为生命里，除了她，还有太多的东西需要我去体会，去经历。
生命是生命本身，不是爱情。
我是我自己，不为其他存在。
27 gennaio quizas, quizas, quizas.siempre que te pregunto
Savana，真想去找你，让你给我当翻译哈哈。
我好喜欢这首歌，相信你也知道的。 21 gennaio 如果我可以Portia: You see me, Lord Bassanio, where I stand,
Such as I am: though for myself alone
I would not be ambitious in my wish,
To wish myself much better; yet, for you
I would be trebled twenty times myself;
A thousand times more fair, ten thousand times
More rich;
That only to stand high in your account,
I might in virtues, beauties, livings, friends,
Exceed account: but the full sum of me
Is sum of nothing; which, to term in gross,
Is an unlesson'd girl, unschool'd, unpractis'd;
Happy in this, she is not yet so old
But she may learn; happier than this,
She is not bred so dull but she can learn;
Happiest of all is that her gentle spirit
Commits itself to yours to be directed,
As from her lord, her governor, her king.
-William Shakespeare: The Merchant of Venice
鲍西娅：巴萨尼奥公子，您瞧我站在这儿，不过是这样的一个人。我不曾妄想超越现在的自己，但是为了您，我希望我能六十倍胜过我得本身，再加上以前本的美丽，一万倍的富有；我但愿我有无比的贤惠，美貌，财产和亲友，好让我在您的心目中占据一个很高的位置。可是我却找不到自己的一点优处。我没有高等的教育，没有优雅的言谈；但是幸亏还未年迈，来得及发奋学习；也不是毫无天资，来得及加以教导；尤其最让人庆幸的，一颗温顺的心灵还不曾迷失，我愿意把它奉献给您，听从您的指导，把您当作她的主宰。
-威廉 莎士比亚 《威尼斯商人》
没有读过威尼斯商人，但单单看到这一段就被莎士比亚的文采打动了。更被对话里女人的精神感动，如果可以为一个人努力这么多，是多么的不容易和值得骄傲。且不说不赞成最后的“主宰”。就因为她发奋和努力的决心，让我佩服。
自己也加油了！ 写给雨雨：
时间很快，我返回学校了。寒假里见到了你的爸爸妈妈。
无论多么长时间，多么远的距离他们的心还是和你在一起的。
阿姨买了生日蛋糕，我和楠也分了一块，好像从前小学和你一起过生日一样。
叔叔说封面没有什么意见，但需要我在多做几个方案。我想这个学期内会完成。等叔叔暑假有时间了，我们一起把你的书做出来。
这一阵安妮又出了新书。那天和楠本来要买的，可是去了书店发现已经全部售光。有机会我把喜欢的几篇放在你的空间上，一起分享。
寒假里认识了新的朋友。出生在不同的国家，却有相似的经历，竟还在西安相遇。又一次让我感觉到有一种强大力量在的安排我们的生命。越来越感觉到要控制自己的命运，力不从心。
回到你的房间，体会着那么熟悉的味道。一起的童年，吵闹欢乐天真无邪。记忆是最美的电影，在你的房间里，在我和楠的身边不停回放。
吻了吻木制的盒子，雨，这是我唯一能给你的。
我们想你。 20 novembre 写给雨雨：
我又要回去了。会去看你和你的妈妈的。 其实现在正在写明天要交的论文。刚刚初中的朋友在网上和我聊了一会，让我不断地想起以前。 要说和初中的朋友相识6年了，那么和你和楠，我们已经是十年的朋友了。时间这么快，让我不敢回忆。 再过十年，二十年回家的时候，不知道会有多少话要和你说。 在写的论文是关于高更的最后一笔，Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going? 以前从来没有和你、楠讲过在这边学习艺术的事情。但知道其实你也喜欢画画的，更是热爱文学，电影。让我在这样夜深人静的时候，把这些追求艺术的人的故事讲给你听。
高更被大家所知是凡高的朋友，更是凡高所崇拜的人。高更的油画里充满了淳朴的色彩。鲜艳的橙，质朴的红，浑厚的紫还有反复但无偿的各种蓝和绿。如同对色彩的追求，对描绘的主体他更是向往原始社会的民族风情。高更在世的年代里，法国和英国到处殖民。高更为了寻找他所要得原始，1891年到了南太平洋上的一个法国殖民小岛Tahiti。从那年之后就开始生活在Tahiti，而且创作了很多有名的油画。其中最有名的，也是他最终的作品就是我现在正在写的Where Do We Come From? What Are We? Where Are We Going? 就好像画的名字一样，这幅画非常的长，大约4米，高1米4。几周前我去了Boston看这幅画，真的很让人钦佩。 这幅油画里，最引人注目的是站在接近画中央的男人。他全身被鲜亮的黄色覆盖，双手举过头顶，左手托住一个水果，右手轻轻扶在左手背上。高更给他朋友写的信里说，这个人正在摘水果。让人不禁连想起来伊甸园里的亚当和夏娃。当他们摘下苹果的时候，也是人类堕落的时候(Fall of man)。而这幅画的名字，“我们从哪里来？我们是什么？要去哪里？”又体现着高更的困惑。他追求原始，离弃现代文明。原始和文明，相互对立。不能共存，但哪个是更好，哪个是羞耻却让他无法回答。这样的挣扎真的让人开始怀疑画中的男人是在摘取那颗水果呢？还是要把它还给上帝。 我们到底是进步了，还是在倒退？那么多的西方哲学家，从文艺复兴到18世纪启蒙运动，一直到现在，都在探索人类的解放和自由。是否解放的最终就是回到最原始？去除欲望，我们则被释放。 我要回到作文里了……下次和你聊。 《莲花》不知道什么时候开始，〈莲花〉成为自己书架上最珍贵的书之一。是因为她非凡的意义，年幼的好友相赠，如今她又已离我而去；扉页上的一段文字，仿佛是她的预言，也是我们所领悟的真相。
〈莲花〉。
想起她家楼下的，淡黄，淡粉，纯白的一队莲花。每次去都会在她们身边，停留一会。好像每隔一段时间，就翻开〈莲花〉，体会昭庆，善生，内河。体会你，还有未来的自己。
阿姨一直告诉我说，你的朋友们都写了很多文章。作为纪念，回忆，抒发情感。我觉得自己无用，即使写了什么也只是存在电脑上。因为即使自己的文字真的表达了什么心情，也无法改变现实。
都无所谓了，一切都是。所有，潘说了。我说了。大家都说了。
什么恋爱，学业，事业。没有‘运’，就没有‘命’。
我是极度悲观的，又是极度乐观的。矛盾地和你一样？Kate?还是和你一样？雨。
雨。
林的生日，给她买了同样牌子的蝴蝶水晶挂件，和我们一样的小鱼的牌子。本想着也送她一条水晶鱼，也许对我们三个人是个纪念。但又觉得，何必。那样地牵强。无形的，我们三个之间的，被时光冲刷的，被生死分离的感情，是不用一条水晶鱼来证明的。
最近认识了一个朋友，很喜欢。是我的哥哥，爸爸，恋人。多重的角色，两人也有很多相似的地方，注定了若即若离的关系。想起君子之交淡如水，我们短信很少，见面很少，电话也很少。但一切刚刚好。
好像我和潘一样，和任何一个志同道合的朋友一样.
虽然相隔遥远,但相信我们心里都存有一股平缓清澈的泉水，源源不断地汇入对方的内心深处。
想你，想你们。
晨
04 luglio 安全感安全感着实是害人的东西。
孩子在父母宽大的翅膀下，安心无肆地成长。父母在小孩作为天的光芒里，专心忙忙碌碌。女人在男人呵护和他们的爱情笼罩下，变成栖息在温暖小巢里的鸟儿。男人，我不了解。他们的安全感，也不明白。也许是在事业蒸蒸日上，欲达顶峰的幸福里沉浸。
这一切都不在的时候，将只剩下自己。
现在发现，缺少安全感，也许是好事。 27 maggio 被点名规则: 1.被点到名字的要就是把所有的问题像我一样回答出来发一篇日志在自己的页面上。最后提一个自己的问题。再点出另外八个人继续回答，还要到这8个人的博客里留言通知对方——你被点名了，被点名者不得拒绝回答问题，完成游戏的人將会永远得到大家的祝福。 1.发现自己喜欢上一个人要多久的时间？ 不一定吧 2.你愿意毁了生活，还是愿意让生活毁你? 我愿主宰生活 3.相信真正的爱情只有3个月的理论吗？ 看是什么年龄的人在恋爱了 4什么样的男人/女人，值得你为他（她）付出？ 懂得回报的人 5.希望成为什么样的人？ 明白自己人生的价值，能够实现自己人生价值的人 6最想去哪里旅游？（暂且不用考虑可 去哪里不重要，重要的是最想和姐姐或者爱人去旅游 7如果你只能实现自己的一个愿望,你会许什么愿? 再实现我一百个愿望吧~ 8你最讨厌什么动物？ 扭来扭去的虫子，和油亮的巴虫类 9你喜欢太阳么？ 看是从哪个城市看了~从天空是蓝色的地方我喜欢。非常喜欢。 10如果你是男生，你介意将来妻子收入比你高么？如果你是女生，事业和爱情你更看重 我不知道…………………………………………事业我一生都靠得住，不知道爱情是否一样？ 11如果明天就是世界末日.那你今天会做些什么? 回家和家人团聚 12如果你想忘记一个人,你要怎么做 就先忘记过去的自己。 13.你相不相信宿命？ 半信半疑 14.你喜欢一个人却说不出会怎么办? 不说了么 15.你相信爱一个人会永远吗? 不相信，说不定一天之后就发现我不认识他了…… 16.你如何拒绝你不爱的人,不要让他痛苦而且以后你们还是朋友? (呵呵,有难度吧) 我一向对这个方面比较笨拙……肯定会伤到对方。 17.哪个更重要,有没有爱还是适不适合对方?完全不适合的两个人可以在一起吗?? 适不适合比较重要吧。爱情不稳定。适合了也许日久生情；爱走了，不适合的只有吵架分手了。 18.你相信许诺吗 不相信。 19小刚的问题：你自由吗？ 当问我问自己：你自由么？是因为我不自由。当我知道自己处身的限制时，也是了解自由的时候。 20.如果让你用生命换一个愿望，你会许什么？ 让我活得精彩吧。（现在自己也正在用生命来换这个愿望） 21.黛玉和宝钗你更欣赏谁? 不好意思。我学识短浅，没有读过红楼梦。 22.你觉得现在什么对你是最重要的？ 家人。 23.你有没有过自杀的念头？为什么？ 不知道算不算……只是在想生命的尽头会是什么？ 24.你喜欢什么类型的男友（女友）？ 难说。最起码可以在关键时刻，帮助我，和我站在一起的人。 25.你最后悔的事是什么？ 不回答这个问题了。 26.你会为了别人的意愿而改变自己么?即使这个人对你很重要... 不会吧。 27.如果真的要你选择很为难的事,你会... 看为了谁，为了什么。 28.如果让你每天坚持做一件事(除了学习,吃饭,睡觉,上厕所,上网)你会做什么?为什么? 和家人通电话。 29。如果你心情不好的时候会干什么呢？ 听歌。 30在大学最大的收获是什么嘞？ 经历了更多孤单的时间和流眼泪的次数。哈哈 31你怎么定义你自己？ 短期的自己：20前达到“三十而立”。 注：不一定是找到社会坐标，而是内在的立。希望可以做到“一切为我所用”。 32觉得大学生活中什么是最重要的？ 学习接受社会。 33周佳迪的问题:到现在为止你最快乐的事是什么？ 和志同道合的人聊天。 34京桦的问题是：你爱吃炒河粉么？ 厄……实话说，不喜欢。 35我的问题是：你对大学满意吗？Why? 满意。因为我的大学不是安逸的环境。 36王童的问题：现在最想干的一件事是什么呢？（要如实回答欧） 赶快让我睡觉吧…… 37 Diana的问题：石锅拌饭的鸡蛋到底应该煎多久？ ………………555 38:钱鹏的问题:你认为这样的游戏有意思吗? 我觉得很有趣。因为可以读自己朋友的答案，可以了解他们更多。 39：我的问题：你是否相信自己一年后在看以上自己的答复时会觉得很荒谬？ 可能会。 我就不提问题了。大家松口气。 点名：猫姐姐，好友林，Ami哥哥，李远。 25 aprile 关于生活 打开msn space,想要写下今天的话和思想。两三句之后就有些发懒了。
是懒得思考么？还是懒得面对？或者不能面对。
大一的生活就要这么过去了。暑假不少同学实习，工作，上小课。虽然有些害怕赶不上，但是希望自己可以休息一下。
静静地一个人，在家乡到处行走。一个人，认真地，虔诚地面对知识和生活。
已经同自己讲过了，这次回去不可以再恋爱。是害怕也是怀疑。害怕发生同样的事情，迷失自己，最后不了了之。也怀疑在那里有没有，可以在他眼里看到真实的自己的人。
写到这里，没有想到任何结尾。只是有些累了，困了。顺其自然…… 21 aprile 既是深夜既是深夜，和朋友聊天，听喜欢的歌，想念离开我的和我离开的人。
总是不忍心睡过去，不想过到明天。
这么一年，一个人独处。越来越明白自己又发现越来越陌生。
愈加练习里教授说，“找一个时间和你自己在一起。”
她的话让忙了很久的我突然松了口气。
虽然是一个人，但却忘记了关心这一个人。
忘记了心脏在身体的左侧；忘记了呼吸的急促和平缓；忘记了肌肉的僵硬忘记了疲惫。
是时间该回家了。
就要回家了。 |
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